The Ruffled Crow

I could wish you a Happy Grouch Day but then why in the hell would I do that? The truth of the matter, and in the spirit of the day, I would much prefer that you go away, leave me the hell alone, and stay off of my lawn.

From the wiki:

A Grouch’s mission in life is to be as miserable and grouchy as possible, and pass that feeling on to everyone else. Only then will a Grouch feel in touch with his or her world and be happy. Yet, even though a Grouch may show happiness at anyone’s misfortune (including his or her own), a Grouch would never admit to being happy.

Words to live by.

Are you still here reading this? Well then from here on it’s your own fault. Don’t come crying to me if some mean ol’ thing I sputter offends your delicate snowflake sensibilities. My give-a-crap meter is offline today, and even on the best of days I don’t suffer fools gladly preferring they suffer more than I. Call it aversion therapy.

Admittedly, the other 364 days of the year I’m merely a curmudgeon, but on this one day, October Fifteenth, I can throw off the chains of mere crankiness and embrace my inner misanthrope.

Today I will rage at the clouds until nightfall then curse the darkness. Today I will loudly patrol the lawns of myself and my neighbors and not only keep those pesky kids off of them, but thwart any attempts they make to solve mysteries. Today I will hit “reply to all” on every forwarded e-mail I’ve received that contains the words ‘this is so funny/cute!” or has a picture of a puppy, kitten, bunny, or fawn. Yes, I have saved them up and the volume may crash mailboxes.

At some point I think I’ll put on my ABBA records (I have most all of them) and play them at elevated volume – each track 3 times before moving on to the next. And after that; Nickelback. Now there’s a band that knows how to be miserable…

With a little malice and some aforethought anyone can celebrate this most cathartic of holidays. To make it even better; you won’t have to apologize. It’s frowned upon actually and completely misses the point of the day.

Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Now, I have better things to do than hang about here posting all sorts of gibberish towards ungrateful ears hanging off the sides of 3 pounds of gray fat mis-termed ‘the human brain’. Don’t bother to comment, it’ll just mess up a completely good post with extraneous pap and drivel and I really don’t have the time or inclination to read such swill – just go away quietly. It’s best that way…

(originally posted NGD 2010. if you don’t like reposts you can bite me)